Elf Army!
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: CRACKFIC! Oliver finds out his name means 'elf army' so what does he do with that information? And why is Myrnin depressed about chocolate cake? And WHO DARES TO STEAL HIS CAKE? Hilarity rules in this fic. R


**Crackfic!**

**I don't own anything!**

**Thanks to MyrninIsMine for the idea for this fic from telling me what Oliver means in German, though I'm probably gonna take it on a different slant to what you thought haha XD**

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"What on _earth_ is that?" Amelie murmurs to herself as she looks out of the window. Oliver seems to be marching towards City Hall and herself (through the sunlight of near as dammit midday, she hastens to add) at the head of what seems to be… _midgets_.

Myrnin moves across the room to see just what Amelie is peering at out of the window at, his brow furrowing as he tries to identify what it is that is advancing towards Amelie and City Hall… oh and Myrnin; we can't forget Myrnin's extremely good self preservation skills. After all, he _did_ just create a missile to send half a tonne of silver at his attacker if he says a string of words in a certain order.

"Is that _Oliver_?" he scoffs, his words causing the others in the room to sit up straight and peer over. These are Claire, Michael and Sam, all in there for reasons as yet unexplained – Amelie was _supposed_ to be explaining, but all she has done is stand by the window and look out. This has resulted in Claire just checking her Facebook page and having both Sam and Michael frape her, telling the world that she smells of poo and editing her information so that she lives in Tehran, Iran…

"Is _what_ Oliver?" Claire asks, standing up and trying to get across to look out of the window but Myrnin blocks her view. "Myrnin! Don't be a prick and let me look!" she exclaims, actually causing Amelie to divert her attention from the window to look at Claire in horror for her language.

"Next time I want to hear language like that, I will drive down to the druggie's bar in downtown Morganville and pretend as if I fit in; do you understand?" she says harshly, Sam and Michael instantly getting onto Amelie's Facebook page in order to post that she likes to spend time in the druggie bar. Unfortunately for them, Amelie has set up her phone to tell her that she has updated her status (one too many unfortunate events with Myrnin hacking her page), and she reads this, a look of pure horror on her face. "Remove that status _right_ now, or I swear to God that both of you shall spend the next three hours in the sun," she hisses so violently that they both turn whiter than before and nod, utterly scared of her.

Now that the issue regarding her Facebook page has been resolved, Amelie reverts her attention back to the window. Oliver is marching with a band of what Amelie can only think of as being midgets: she has a feeling that this isn't the right term politically – she _does_ try and be fair to the minorities – and they may well be children, yet she doesn't care.

"Myrnin, are we ready to attack?" she asks her friend urgently, deathly worried that Oliver may be coming with zombie children to come and attack her to get Morganville… she has been scared of zombie children ever since she had an awful dream where Myrnin had stolen all her babies she had and then he changed their DNA to make them mutants who wanted to eat her… urgh, it was a yucky dream and she never wants to go there again.

He looks up suddenly from the chocolate cake in his hand that he pulled from his pocket, his eyes huge at the angle she is looking at him from. She half thinks he has gone back on cocaine – he _told_ her he was on the bandwagon – but then she remembers how much of an addiction he has to chocolate cake.

"No… we're out of chocolate cake so we can't throw it at them and then my silver machine went into the shop to get fixed," he says regretfully, remembering how he had accidentally thrown some beer in there (well _he_ hadn't; Claire had because she wanted to get him to cut down how much he drinks… not that that worked or anything) so it had to go and get fixed which is a little depressing. "We're just going to have to go and see them," he says, causing Amelie to scoff – the most unladylike thing she has ever done in her entire life.

"You want us to _go_ down to the army of zombies, not hide out here until they kill us?" she asks in disbelief, amazed that Myrnin could be so crazy. "Are you on drugs again, Myrnin? Or have you got the disease again?" she continues, personally thinking that there is _no way_ that he could be thinking sanely.

This only causes Myrnin to throw his chocolate cake out of the open window and turn to Amelie hurt and upset. "I _told_ you this; I _don't_ have the disease! Why does _everyone_ think that _I_ am going to get it first if it comes back?" he pouts, causing the room to laugh bar Amelie.

"Um because you're already crazy so it isn't that much of a stretch to have a medical reason, so to speak, for being so?" Claire suggests, frowning when Myrnin bares his fangs at her.

"It wouldn't be me who got it first: it would be the numbskull Oliver who is marching out in the midday sun without even any sun cream on!" Myrnin proclaims loudly and proudly, happy to be able to say that he doesn't have the disease.

"So when you do something like, let's say _spend five hundred thousand dollars on machinery that doesn't even work_, you cannot blame the disease," Amelie says icily before nodding. "As you wish, Myrnin, we shall go down and face the zombies to the bitter end… but if we offer up someone as a sacrifice, I believe that that ought to be you," she relents to Myrnin, who instantly jumps for joy before frowning.

"Now _where_ did I put my cake?" he frowns, suddenly crying when Claire informs him he threw it out of the window. But Amelie pulls him back before he can launch himself after it, motioning for Sam and Michael to help him down the stairs through his grief for the demise of his, ahem, chocolate cake that was 'so dear to his heart'.

…

Meanwhile, outside, Oliver is marching on towards City Hall with his army to demand to Amelie that she succumb to his wonderful army of… elves.

Yes, elves, you have not misread this. you see, Oliver decided that he needs a new edge to beat Amelie – it's _boring _to continue on with the same tactics he has used for centuries; he needs to liven things up. So what did he do? well, he went on www dot meaning dash of dash names dot com – a real site by the way – to find out what his name means, to find this:

**OLIVER:**

**ORIGINS: IN GERMANY **

**MEANING: **_In German, the name Oliver means- Elf army. Can also be a variant of Olaf: Relic, ancestral heritage…_

So, of course, Oliver decided that he had to follow this blatant destiny and use the origins of his name to help him defeat Amelie. So he found a site on the internet that loaned out elves for six weeks at a time from Indonesia and the Netherlands, so he ordered fifty seven (he has a limit on how much he can spend on his credit card; mother always told him not to get into too much debt) and they arrived yesterday. This is why he is now marching on towards City Hall, thinking that the _elves_ will be what gets him Morganville.

But, he decided the other day, he doesn't really _want_ Morganville. It's just a bit _boring_, if you ask him. Sure, if you added three exotic bars and maybe a strip club for men only, it could get a little interesting, but it would only last a few days. He'd want at least three casinos, a massage parlour or seven (one for every day of the week; it's never too good to get reliant on one place – what if they went bust?) and perhaps – this is pushing it a little – a recording studio to sing. Ollypop has been practising for a few years now and he thinks he has perfected 'happy birthday' to a high enough standard to record it and become a Youtube phenomenon!

But he continues on his little march to City Hall, waiting to watch Amelie wallow in defeat at his little elves…

…

At City Hall, Amelie and the others move downstairs, Claire at the back because she is a weak and fragile human. None of them speak as they approach the main doors and stand in a line – in the shade, of course – as they wait for the zombie army to come. The fear from Amelie is now spreading into the others and they all think – besides Myrnin, who is still mourning the loss of his chocolate cake – that there is a 90% chance that Oliver has done some hocus pocus and managed to bring children back from the dead.

The army approaches the steps to the Hall and the vampires peer out at them, wondering whether or not they are seeing things… elves, to be exact.

"It's not…" Amelie trails off in disbelief that Oliver would try and attack her with _elves_ not even coming up to her knees… and she isn't a tall woman.

"_Elves_?" Claire snorts, able to see that they aren't zombies from where she is standing with little weak human eyes.

"PAHAHA!" Michael and Sam burst into identical laughter and Claire makes a mental note to dye both of their hair colours to be the same so that people think that Michael is missing (it's easier to dye light hair darker than it is to do so the other way round) because they are so alike.

Oliver stops merely fifteen metres from the party of five, wondering why she hasn't gotten in reinforcements against his menaces of elves. He sees Sam and Michael's hysterics and mistakenly thinks it is because they are scared… not because they are amused to the core about the fact that Oliver thinks he can win.

"Are you ready to surrender to my army, Amelie?" he asks and even she cannot help but snort again in absolute amusement at his preposterousness.

She raises an eyebrow delicately and motions to his fifty seven elves. "You _really_ think that I am scared by elves that are probably not even _real_ elves but dwarves with pointy ears?" she confirms, noting how Claire and Myrnin are now laughing as well. "My, my, Oliver what on _earth_ prompted you to come up with this idea?" she continues, internally laughing but remaining straight laced on the outside.

He blushes at the same time as deepening his skin colour to a 'I have been in the oven for fifteen minutes but only on gas mark three' colouring. "Well, I went on this name meaning site thing and found Oliver means 'elf army' so I thought that it would mean that you would be scared enough to surrender to me," he confesses and she nods slowly.

"If it had been a _zombie_ army of my children who are all deceased, I would have been scared but not for _elves_!" she exclaims and Oliver files this information away: Amelie is scared of zombies. "Now, go home and continue your fantasies about whatever pornographic shops you wish to build in Morganville it is this week," she orders, making reference to the time when she read Oliver's diary.

He blushes again but nods, heading back with his army, dejected and defeated – and also in a lot of debt. So Amelie turns back to the others who are still laughing their heads off at the fact that Oliver made a little army of elves, waiting for them to calm down.

"Calm down or I send you off with the elf army," she directs and, instantly, silence reigning in the room. Then she nods again and smiles briefly before motioning for them all to head upstairs.

Once they are settled back in their respective seats, Myrnin moaning about his cake again, Amelie begins. "Well, I invited you here for a reason that, thanks to Oliver, I have forgotten so I thought that we could perhaps look up our names on a name meaning site?" she suggests and they all nod in agreement.

"Me first, me first!" Myrnin calls loudly, getting over the depression of losing his chocolate cake to find out why his parents chose Myrnin.

Claire nods, typing his name into the same site, ironically, as Oliver used. But the results say: there is no result for Myrnin. Please try again. "Uh, Myrnin, your name doesn't exist according to this site," she says and Myrnin falls to the carpet.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" he cries, standing up suddenly. "I have nothing to live for! Goodbye, you all!" he begins his speech as to leaving the world until Amelie rolls her eyes and claps her hands.

"Verity, please bring in the cake," her words distract Myrnin long enough for him to see the huge chocolate cake coming towards him. "There you are, Myrnin, all yours," she smiles very slightly as he sticks his face straight into the cake, noming away at it.

"Me next," Sam says with a smile, jumping in ahead of Michael. so Claire types in Sam, to find:

**NAME: SAMUEL**

**ORIGIN: ISRAEL**

**MEANING: **_In Israeli, the name Samuel means- god hears_

"See, I'm God's gift to this earth!" Sam says with a grin, elbowing Michael. "See, I _am_ better than you!" he gloats.

Claire decides to see what Michael means next, as Amelie is slightly distracted by the disgusting site of Myrnin eating chocolate cake.

**NAME: MICHAEL **

**ORIGIN: BIBLICAL**

**MEANING: **_In Biblical, the name Michael means- like god._

"HAH, I'm like god – not just a gift but like god, _and_ I'm from the bible!" Michael retorts with a grin, having beaten Sam. But then the latter just decks him one, causing Amelie's perfectly arranged paper to fly across the room.

"Do you _want_ me to go and call the elf army to nibble at your knees?" Amelie asks shrilly, her heart almost restarting at the shock of _her_ office being destroyed. It's almost too much to bear: first Myrnin being crazy with chocolate, then her office being destroyed… it's her worst nightmare.

Besides for the zombies, of course.

"Um, Amelie, I don't think there is any need to call them," Claire says slowly, looking at the window which has suddenly been smashed in by midget elves. "What do you want?" she asks, as Amelie has frozen, evidently scared of the elves now… another thing to add to Amelie's scared of list – elves… since about three seconds ago.

"We want cake," one of them hisses, looking at Myrnin's cake which has been half eaten.

"We want cake."

"We want cake."

"We want cake."

This chant is repeated so much that Myrnin looks up from his cake eating and shakes his head. "Get your own, greedy buggers!" he yells at them, insulting them idiotically.

"CHARGE!" chief elf yells and they all charge at Myrnin who tries to protect his chocolate cake. But the elves get it off in and run out of the room without another word, leaving Myrnin lying there on the floor.

"I have no cake," he states slowly. "I have no name that is recognised. What do I have to live for?" he moans, banging the floor like a child.

"At least you're not Oliver," Claire points out helpfully.

"Thank God for that," Amelie comments darkly before hitting Myrnin over the back of the head to shut him up.

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**THE END**!

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**Thoughts on this piece of absolute hilarity, which made me laugh as I wrote it so loudly that I woke my parents up!**

**Review please!**

**Hope you liked it!**

**Vicky xx**


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